


After the nightmare, trauma

by NoMoreBeer4U



Series: After the nightmare series [11]
Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst and Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s07e11-12 Evolution, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:27:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25423885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoMoreBeer4U/pseuds/NoMoreBeer4U
Summary: Jack rescued Daniel from his captors in Honduras, but the ordeal isn't over.
Relationships: Daniel Jackson/Jack O'Neill
Series: After the nightmare series [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1704055
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19





	After the nightmare, trauma

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: The usual, they're not mine, blah, blah, blah.
> 
> Warning: Contains graphic descriptions of torture.

_Daniel ran for his life. He could hear his pursuers approaching. He had to draw their attention away from Bill. The older scientist had reached his limit. Daniel hoped he was safe in the place he had told him to hide. The young archaeologist himself wasn’t sure he would last enough to find help. God, he was so tired and thirsty. He hadn't eaten or drunk a drop of water in three days. The burns and bruises from the torture he had endured weren’t helping either. His whole body ached, his muscles were stiff. He had barely run a mile and he felt like his lungs were going to explode. His mouth and throat burned and his stomach was churning, but he had to keep moving. He had to try. For Bill, for himself, and for Jack._ _Shots echoed through the rain forest. Daniel tried to increase his speed but to no avail. His pursuers were moving faster and were getting closer. Suddenly, something hot and hard bit his right thigh. He cried out in pain and collapsed against a tree. He turned around while he slid down along the tree trunk. He barely heard the new burst as indescribable pain erupted from his torso. He gasped in shock and looked down. Bloodstains blossomed from five holes widespread on his chest and belly._

_“J’ck, I’m s’rry,” he managed to whisper before collapsing to the ground and seeing the guerrilla pointing his rifle to his head._

***

Daniel’s eyes snapped open, and he sat bolt upright. He panted hard as he clutched his midsection. Darkness surrounded him and felt disoriented. He flinched when, all of a sudden, a light appeared on his right and lifted his arms in a defensive position. He thought he heard someone calling his name. There was a figure next to him, but he couldn’t focus. He clenched his fists, but someone grabbed his wrists hard. He tried to fight it, but the abrupt movement made pain erupt from his thigh and he cried out. He couldn’t move, and the rate of his breathing increased as he began to panic.

 _“Daniel”!_ That voice again. He tried to focus but his head was spinning.

“Daniel! Danny, it’s me, it’s Jack, you were having a nightmare!” Jack let go of his lover’s wrists and grabbed his head with both hands. Daniel’s gaze was still unfocused, his breathing coming now in short gasps.

“Danny, baby, look at me, look at me, it’s Jack, it was just a nightmare.” Jack had to admit to himself that he was getting scared. Daniel had had nightmares before, especially after rough missions, but this time was different. Since his rescue from Honduras, his lover hadn’t been able to sleep more than a couple of hours straight, and most of the time he woke up screaming in panic and disoriented.

Daniel’s eyes ran across Jack’s face a few times until they came to a halt and aligned with the colonel’s chocolate orbs.

“Jack?” He frowned, confusion drawn all over his face.

The colonel pulled him into a hug and rubbed his back to comfort him.

“Shhh, It was just a nightmare, just a nightmare. You’re safe, you’re home, shhh,” he whispered into Daniel’s ear.

The younger man didn’t react at first, but then he became fully conscious of the situation and wrapped his arms around his lover’s body.

“You ok?” Jack asked softly.

Daniel didn’t talk, but the colonel felt his head nodding against his shoulder.

“You sure?”

The archaeologist didn’t move for a few seconds and then Jack felt his head nodding again. Obviously, the colonel didn’t believe him.

“You want to talk about it?” he insisted softly.

This time Daniel shook his head in negation.

Jack was starting to seriously worry. Daniel hadn’t wanted to talk at all about his ordeal in Central America. Every time the issue popped up he insisted he was ok, that all he needed was time. All the information the colonel had was the rather simple report and what he himself had witnessed during the rescue at the guerrillas’ base camp. He thought that Daniel would talk when he was ready, but the recurrent nightmares told him he couldn’t hold it any longer. He needed to deal with that before it got worse. The problem was that Daniel wouldn’t admit there was an issue to deal with.

Once the archaeologist had calmed down, Jack started to speak softly.

“Daniel, it's been a week since you came home, and the nightmares are getting worse. Why don’t you let us help you?”

The archaeologist broke the hug, pulled his knees to his chest, and wrapped his arms around them. “I don’t need any help,” he said looking away. “The nightmares will stop eventually. They always do.”

“Danny, there’s no need to go through this alone, you could…”

Daniel turned his head and his gaze pierced his lover’s eyes. “I'm not gonna see a counselor, Jack,” he replied a bit too harshly. “I thought I had made myself clear about that. I’ll be fine, I just need some time and go back to work. If I stay one more day at home doing nothing I'm gonna go nuts.”

Jack sighed in resignation. Janet had witnessed the nightmares the couple of days that Daniel had stayed at the infirmary and she had recommended the archaeologist to visit a counselor. He had absolutely refused. Jack wasn’t fond of psychologists, psychiatrists, and other “ists" himself, so he had supported Daniel’s decision. He had told Janet all the younger man needed was his care and love and he had taken him home. One week without improvement made Jack start to weight other options, counseling included.

“Ok,” the colonel sighed again. “But if this goes on, you will have to talk, either to me or a counselor.”

“I've been tortured before and I never needed that kind of help, you know?” Daniel said in a defiant tone.

“No, you haven’t, Daniel, not like that, and not for so long. I've seen the bruises, I've seen the burns. I can only imagine what you went through. Half of the soldiers I know would have spilled his guts for the half of it.” Daniel winced and looked away but Jack didn’t stop. “You are not superman, you know? You were brutally tortured and there is no shame in asking for help.”

Daniel glared at his lover for some seconds. His expression told Jack clearly to better leave it alone for now. Without any more words, the archaeologist slid under the sheets and curled up into a ball turning his back on Jack. The colonel sighed a third time, switched off the lamp, and tried to make himself comfortable on the bed. He was too tired to argue at the moment. Daniel not sleeping meant that he wasn't sleeping either. He would deal with his lover’s stubbornness in the morning. If there weren’t any more unexpected incidents, he could still grab a couple of hours of sleep.

Although surrounded by darkness, Daniel kept his eyes open. He knew that if he attempted to sleep again, new nightmares would assault his dreams. Jack was right. They were getting worse. Last night he had dreamed that that guy, Rafael, gutted him with his machete and the night before he had actually fulfilled his threat to skin him alive. Daniel squeezed his eyes shut to the memories. He prayed that Jack didn’t notice the tremors that ran through his body. He knew his lover meant good, but he didn’t want to worry him further.

The past few months hadn’t been a walk in the park for him either. Jack had spent a whole year mourning him, and when he came back from the glowy club he had forgotten everything about their relationship. Jack had suffered in silence for weeks until he finally remembered what they meant to each other. Shortly after that, his lover had a bad time dealing with his clone, and a couple of months later, the Stromos situation hit them both hard. He had almost died again and Jack panicked at the end. Besides, the involvement of that little boy, Keenin, in the episode, resurfaced Jack’s guilt about Charlie’s death. And if it that wasn’t enough, a few weeks later the colonel was wounded by an Unas. Definitely, Jack needed a break. He wasn’t going to burden him with his pains and some stupid nightmares. He was a grown man. He could deal with them himself. Besides, something else had happened during the kidnapping, something he was really ashamed of. If he told Jack the details of what happened in Honduras, that would inevitably come up, and he was not ready for Jack’s reaction. Maybe it was selfish, but if Jack knew how weak he was, he might even end their relationship. No, he couldn’t tell him. He had to get over it by himself.

Daniel tried to stray awake for the rest of the night, but the accumulated exhaustion overcame him eventually and a few minutes before dawn, he was sound asleep again.

***

_Daniel was sitting on the wooden chair. The guerrilla leader, Rafael was starting to lose his patience. He wanted to know what that apparently inoffensive square artifact was. After days without eating nor drinking, the gringo still didn’t want to talk. So that had to be something important, valuable enough to risk his own life and the life of his friend. Maybe some sort of secret weapon? Perhaps it was just a useless object worth the strange material it was made of? The beating hadn’t done anything to pull out answers from the gringo. It was time to try other methods. He called his second in command, Chalo, who approached a table and removed a cloth, showing the contents concealed under it: A set of car batteries. Chalo brushed the two metallic clamps together and sparks echoed inside the hut._

_“Desnúdenlo!”//Strip him!// Rafael ordered._

_Daniel’s eyes widened in horror. This was going to hurt. A lot. He just hoped to be strong enough to endure the assault without revealing anything. Two of Rafael’s goons made him stand up and they brusquely took off his tank top. He hoped they stopped there, but today definitely wasn’t his lucky day._ _One of the goons grabbed him from behind, while the other one undid his belt and unbuttoned and unzipped his pants. By instinct, Daniel tried to fight, but after days without nourishment he was weak and the grip was strong._ _The goon in front of him smirked and with a fast movement, he pulled the pants and boxers down to the archaeologist's ankles. Then they pushed him down to sit again and tied up his wrists and ankles to the chair. Daniel tried to control his breathing and braced himself for what was coming next. He had to admit to himself he was scared shitless, but he wasn’t going to give his captors the pleasure to witness his fear._

 _Rafael took one of the clamps and attached it to the soft of Daniel’s side. Damn, that hurt! The guerrilla grinned viciously, and without warning, he pressed the other clamp against the archaeologist's right nipple._ _Pain like nothing he had experienced before invaded Daniel’s body. He stiffed at the first impact and then he began to shake uncontrollably. It was similar to the agony inflicted by the goa’uld pain-sticks, just sharper, like hundreds of knives doing his way across his gut. He grunted through clenched teeth and breathed through the pain. After a few seconds that felt like hours, the guerrilla removed the clamp. Daniel’s body fell forward as much as the ties left him. He was panting hard, his mouth and eyes wide open in pain, his gaze unfocused._

_“So,” Rafael started, “do you feel like talking now, señor I-take-what-I-want-even-if-I-don't-have-the-right?”_

_Daniel went on panting while staring at the floor but said nothing._

_“Ok then, let’s see how much you can take. El último duró dos rondas hasta que empezó a llorar y llamar a su mamá.”//The last one lasted two rounds until he started crying and calling his mom.//_

_Rafael pressed the clamp on Daniel’s right ribs. He knew better than to press it near his heart. He didn’t want to kill him… yet._

_The new strike rushed the air out of Daniel’s lungs. He couldn’t breathe as indescribable pain traveled to every inch of his shaking body. A few agonizing seconds later, the guerrilla removed the clamp and Daniel slumped forward, his breathing coming in short gasps. He felt so dizzy and nauseous that almost passed out. The swallowed his bile back._ _Rafael grabbed him by the hair and forced his head back. Daniel avoided eye contact. He didn’t want to show him the pain that was drawn in his eyes._

_“Last chance, gringo. ¿Qué es este aparato? //What’s this device?//”_

_Daniel pressed his lips shut and looked away._

_“Ok, señor archaeologist. I gave you a chance. Now it’s too late.”_

_He approached the wire to Daniel’s penis and clamped it. Daniel screamed._

_***_

Jack came into the room with a towel wrapped to his waist and immediately noticed Daniel’s distress. He was thrashing around in the bed, his limbs moving wildly in all directions fighting an invisible enemy. He had obviously been caught in another nightmare during the few minutes that Jack had been showering in the bathroom. The colonel ran towards his lover. When he tried to restrain him he was rewarded by a direct punch to his jaw.

“Damn!” he yelled when his ass hit the floor. He quickly got up and tried again to grab Daniel’s wrists, taking care of not being hit by his legs.

“No, no… n-n-o… ahhhg! No, n-o-o…!” the archaeologist cried out, trapped in his dream.

“Daniel, wake up!” Jack said firmly. “Wake up, you’re having a nightmare, wake up!”

“No, nooo… ah…ah… aaaahg!”

Whatever the dream was about, Daniel seemed to be experiencing a lot of pain.

“Danny, it's me, Jack! It’s me, baby, wake up, it’s just a nightmare, you’re home, you’re safe! Wake up!”

Daniel jerked awake and locked gazes with Jack, but he didn’t show recognition.

“Let go of me!” he cried out with bloodshot eyes. He pushed Jack hard, who caught unawares, crashed against the chest of drawers. Daniel quickly untangled his legs from the sheets and shot off the room, limping.

“Daniel, wait!” Jack shouted. The fall had twisted his knee and took him a few seconds to get up. He ran out of the room at the time to see his lover opening the front door and leaving the house.

“Shit!” he swore, looking at his nude body. He couldn’t follow him like that. At least Daniel was wearing his pajama bottoms and a t-shirt. He went back to the room and he dressed as fast as he could.

Daniel ran, or rather limped, along the driveway. He felt dizzy and he couldn’t focus. Where was he? That didn’t look like the guerrillas’ base camp. He looked around, but everything was blurred and he didn’t recognize anything, but he kept moving. His leg ached and he couldn’t actually run, so all he could manage was an awkward limping. Why did his leg hurt? The guerrilla had been torturing his upper body and his… oh, God. He felt a strong pressure in his lower belly and penis, and he leaned in pain. And then he heard it.

The spark.

_“Desnúdenle!”//Strip him!//_

Daniel froze _._

_“So, do you feel like talking now, señor I-get-what-I-want-even-if-I-don't-have-the-right?”_

And then he saw it. No. Not again. He wouldn’t survive another round. He stood still, completely petrified.

Jack opened his front door to see Daniel standing still at the end of the driveway. He wasn’t moving at all. Maybe he had finally realized that he had been dreaming and had come back to his senses. But if it was that so, why wasn’t he going back to the house? Instead, he stood frozen, facing two cars parked opposite his house.

“Daniel!” Jack shouted. No reaction. He ran towards his archaeologist. “Danny!”

The colonel stood in front of his lover and grabbed his face. Daniel’s eyes were wide open in horror, his gaze unfocused. He appeared to be in shock.

“Daniel, Danny look at me! What is it? What’s wrong?” Jack noticed his lover was shaking from head to toe and a fine layer of sweat covered his face. He was breathing in short gasps as if it wasn’t enough air reaching his lungs. And then he noticed the acrid odor.

“What the…?” He looked down and he froze. A yellowish puddle had formed under Daniel’s feet. The front part of his pajamas was soaked. Jack’s heart skipped a beat. Daniel had urinated in his pants.

Hadn’t Jack had time to recover from the shock when he heard the spark. The quickly turned around and found out the origin of his lover’s distress. One of the cars parked on the street had depleted his battery. It was connected to the other car with a set of jumper cables.

_Shit! Could coincidence be crueler to Daniel?_

Jack shook his lover trying to bring him back to the here and now. He deliberately stood between him and the cars, to block the sight of the batteries.

“Daniel, look at me, please! You’re home, you’re safe! Look at me!”

Daniel didn’t move a muscle.

_“Ok then, let’s see how much you can get. El último duró dos rondas hasta que empezó a llorar y llamar a su mamá.”//The last one lasted two rounds until he started crying and calling his mom.//_

Daniel began to shake harder and Jack patted his cheek.

“C'mon, c'mon!” Jack was very scared now. He had seen that sort of reaction before, on war zones. He recognized it for what it was: a textbook flashback. He had experienced it himself after coming back from Iraq. Some soldiers never got over similar traumatic experiences. No, he wasn’t going to go there. Daniel was one of the strongest people he had ever met. He was going to get over this. “Daniel, please, hey, hey, look at me! It’s me, it’s Jack, you’re home, you’re safe!” he repeated anxiously. He grabbed his face with both hands and aligned their eyes. “Look at me, look at me!”

Daniel continued shaking, but this time he blinked. “That’s it baby, c'mon, look at me!” Two more blinks. The archaeologist began to run his eyes over Jack's face, completely disoriented until his gaze gradually regained focus. Fortunately, the broken car had managed to start its engine, and Jack saw out of the corner of his eye how the owners removed the cables and put them in the trunk. Finally, Daniel’s sapphire eyes focused on chocolate ones, although his breathing was still quite ragged.

“Jack?” he whispered with a tremulous voice.

“God, Danny,” the older man hugged him fiercely, “you scared me, you’re ok, you’re ok… are… are you ok?”

Daniel looked over his lover’s shoulder and realized he was in Jack’s driveway. He didn’t recall going there. Then he noticed the wetness in his crotch, legs, and feet. He broke the hug and looked to the ground. When he saw the puddle of urine, his face crumpled in anguish and silent tears began to stream freely down his cheeks.

“Jack…” his voice cracked, “what’s happening to me?”

The colonel embraced him again tightly and began to run soothing circles on his back. Daniel let himself cry his pain and embarrassment on his lover’s shoulder.

“Everything is gonna be ok, you’ll be ok, I love you,” Jack tried to reassure him. “ Let’s go inside, let me take care of you.” Fortunately, the cars were gone, so the flashback trigger was out of sight. Daniel nodded against his lover’s shoulder. “Can you walk?” Jack asked. Another nod, this time a bit stronger.

The colonel supported the younger man by his waist, and they slowly headed towards the house. Jack guided him to the bathroom, where he helped him to strip and step into the shower stall. Daniel’s movements were slow and uncoordinated, so Jack did almost all the work. Once dried and dressed, the colonel accompanied his lover to the living room. He guided him to sit on the couch. The aftermath of the shock was still present, and he put a blanket over his shoulders.

“Rest here, I'll make some coffee,” Jack said before heading to the kitchen.

Daniel put his feet on the couch and pressed his knees against his chest. He wrapped his arms around his legs as he buried his face on his knees. God, he was so embarrassed. What was happening to him? He had been in tough situations before and he had never reacted so badly. He could still feel the tremors running through his body. Damn, he had to get over it, he had to. Otherwise, he'd be grounded for the rest of his life. Huh! What was he trying to deceive? After that last episode, there was no way Jack would let him go through the gate again. He had always thought about himself as the weak link in SG-1. Now there was proof. He was nothing else than a pathetic liability. He startled when Jack sat next to him. Their gazes met for a second and then he looked away, ashamed. Jack stroke his nape as he leaned against him.

“We'll get through this, Danny, I'll help you. I love you and we'll walk this road together, do you hear me?”

Daniel lifted puffy red-rimmed eyes. “How can you say that, Jack?”

“What?”

“How can you say you love me? How can you love such a coward? How can you even bear to stay next to me?” The archaeologist’s eyes wet again as his quivering lips twisted in a grimace.

“Daniel, what are you talking about?” Jack frowned in confusion. “You’re not a coward, why do you say that? You are one of the bravest men I've ever met.”

“Am I?” Daniel’s tone rose. “Are you mocking me, Jack? Is that your idea of a joke?! For God’s sake, I PISSED MY PANTS!” He stood up abruptly, wrapped his arms around his middle, and began to pace.

“Daniel, I…” Jack started to get up, but Daniel stopped him with his glare.

“Can you tell me, Jack? Can you tell me what kind of man pisses his pants because of a nightmare? What am I? Two?” He let out a hysterical laugh. “Because, you know, Jack? I can only come up with two reasons why I pissed my pants. Number one, I'm a coward, a chicken, a complete wuss and number two, I’ve finally lost it, and I’m gone completely nuts!” Daniel started to accompany his speech with waving hands. “I guess McKenzie was right after all, huh? Maybe… maybe it’s true, maybe Stargate travel affects one’s mind and I finally lost it. It wouldn’t be the first time, right? Or maybe, maybe I've just been flaky all along!

Daniel was talking high speed now, lost is a tangle of confused thoughts. Jack watched him opened-mouthed stunned. Where the hell were those thoughts coming from? Why was the archaeologist unburying stories long forgotten? Hadn’t he got rid of this bullshit long ago?

” Maybe… maybe the experience with the Stromos ripped what was left of my mind,” the younger man continued, “ So as you can see, in either case, chicken or just nuts, there isn’t any reason why you should love me, is there? SO STOP SAYING THAT!” He stood in front of Jack and glared at him again, panting hard.

“Or option number three,” Jack said calmly, “you’re suffering from PTSD and you got caught in a flashback, which as your lover, entitles me to help you to get over it. Because I do love you, Daniel, I really do, and I’ll never stop saying that because there’s nothing wrong with you. ”

Daniel glare softened and he opened his mouth in surprise. “P… PT…?” He mumbled.

“Yeah, Post-traumatic stress disorder. You can get over it, but you have to let us help you.”

Daniel looked at his lover incredulously. He shook his head in denial. “That’s… that’s ridiculous, Jack. I… I’ve been tortured before, and that… that never happened to me.”

“Daniel,” the colonel took a deep breath, “it’s true you’ve had some tough experiences through the gate, deaths included. And yes, you’ve been tortured before, but never like that, and never for that long. Even when you died, it was over in three days and you were stuffed with sedatives the whole time. This time you were gone for one week. How many times were you beaten or electrocuted?”

Daniel looked at the older man, and he saw true concern and love written in his eyes. He didn’t deserve that. Fresh tears rolled down his cheeks. His knees buckled, and Jack grabbed him before he hit the floor. The colonel tenderly lowered him to the floor, and they both sat on the rug. Jack rested his lover’s head to his chest and began to rock him back and forward. At the moment, Daniel hated himself for his weakness, and he suddenly felt defeated. If it had to end, he better did it fast.

“Vr’dei,” he muttered.

“What?”

“Every… every… day.”

Jack said nothing, but tightened the hug and pressed a kiss on his lover’s head.

Daniel knew what he was about to explain could destroy his relationship with Jack forever, but he couldn’t hold it anymore. He had tried to erase the memories of Honduras, but they haunted him every night. He realized that if he wanted to regain control over his life, he needed to let it out of his chest before it consumed him. If Jack rejected him for his cowardice, there wouldn’t be anyone else to blame than himself, so he would have to cope with that also.

“They wanted to know what the Telchak device was,” Daniel continued with a low, rather emotionless tone, trying to dissociate from the experience. “ Every day at dawn, they took me to the big hut. Always me, never Bill, I don’t know why. They just took him once, the last day.” He stopped for a few seconds to gather his thoughts. Then he continued with a tremulous voice.

“They tied me to a chair and that guy, the leader, Rafael, interrogated me for hours. Sometimes he tempted me with food or water, but I never got more than a mouthful every three days. When I didn’t tell him what he wanted, he punched me. His favorite targets were my face and stomach.” Jack closed his eyes to try to control the raged emotion that was building in his insides.

Daniel went on talking. “He knew how to inflict the maximum pain without causing real damage. I have to give him credit for that,” he chuckled without humor. “He also liked kicking me in the shins and kidneys. I lost track of time. I lost count of the times I threw up. I think I stopped just because there wasn’t anything left in my stomach.”

Jack felt Daniel’s tears soaking his t-shirt and dampening his skin. His soul ached for his lover’s pain and kept rocking him while rubbing his back and arms for comfort.

“A… a couple of times, I lost consciousness.” Daniel’s tone rose a bit. “They woke me up with a bucket of water. I could lick some drops with my tongue. Also, it rained a couple of nights, and some water leaked out of the roof.”

 _“That son of a bitch,”_ Jack thought. Not only had Daniel lost a lot of liquid with his vomits, but he also had been deprived of drinking. No wonder he was so dehydrated when he had rescued him. At that moment, he wished the guerrilla leader was still alive so he could kill him one thousand times. Slowly.

“After four days of beating me, he started to use the batteries. God, Jack, the pain…” Daniel’s voice cracked, “I… I almost broke up. They… they stripped me, and, God, it felt like fire burning inside my belly. And I thought the Goau’ld pain-stick was bad…” He took a deep breath trying to suppress a sob, but he failed. His shoulders began to shake harder and the tears flow increased. “He… he… he hit my penis with the metallic clamp, and… and… I…” Daniel stopped for a few seconds. He bit his lower lip and braced himself for Jack’s rejection.

“Shhh, shhh,” Jack tried to soothe him, “take your time.”

“I… I wet myself, Jack,” Daniel sniffed, “ God, when… when he hit me, I lost control of my bladder… they… they started to laugh at me, they called me names… “gallina, bebé meón //chicken, weak bladder baby//, and he punched me again and… God, I don’t know what hurt the most, the burns and punches or the humiliation. I'm… I'm sorry I disappointed you. I… I couldn’t help it, god, I'm such a wuss!” Daniel began to sob openly and Jack tightened the hug even more. The archaeologist tried to fight the embrace. How could Jack still want to touch him after that? He was nothing more than a damn chicken. He squeezed his eyes shut. He didn’t want to look at Jack. He wouldn’t bear to see disappointment, or even worst, repulsion, in his eyes. But Jack didn’t let go. Instead of that, he could feel his strong arms holding him even tighter.

The colonel couldn’t believe his ears. His mind wandered to last year when he had been trapped in Ba’al's fortress. He had been ready to give up. He had also lost track of the times Ba'al had killed him. But in his case, the deaths, although extremely painful, had been quite quick, no more than a few minutes every time. And Daniel had been there with him, giving him strength and hope. In Honduras, Daniel had suffered unbearable pain for hours, day after day, and he had faced it alone. Well, sure Dr. Lee was there too, but Jack didn’t think he could count him as a source of strength and hope. He bet a year salary that it had been Daniel who had comforted the older scientist during their ordeal. The man had endured the inconceivable, and he still thought he was a coward? That he had disappointed him? Jack saddened at his lover’s recurrent thoughts of undervaluing.

He felt his own eyes moisten and buried his face into his lover’s neck. He inhaled the scent that gave him life. He had never thought it was possible to love someone so much. After some minutes he pulled away and looked at his lover’s beautiful face. He leaned forward and tenderly kissed the tears tracks.

“Will you listen to me now?” he asked softly.

Daniel noticed Jack’s eyes were glistening with unshed tears, and that confused him. He reached out a hand to touch his face as he nodded weakly.

“My life is no more valuable than anybody else’s,” Jack said.

“Huh?”

“That’s what you said, Daniel, the day you died.” He cupped his lover’s cheek and looked at him, his eyes sparkling with unquestionable love. “God, Daniel, if only you knew the exceptional person you are.”

“Jack, what are you talking about? Didn’t you hear anything I said?” He frowned in confusion, not comprehending the older man’s message.

“What you went through in Central America…, not everyone can endure something like that and get out in one piece. Look at Lee, he broke at the first blow.”

“Jack, he’s just a civilian, he isn’t trained for that,” Daniel defended the older scientist.

“Nobody is, Daniel. That strength you have, your tenacity, your spirit, that’s not something you can train. When I found you in that forest… God, when I saw you with that rock on your hand,” he laughed at the memory and a tear escaped from the corner of his eye, “you were exhausted, hurting, you had just been shot, and you still wanted to fight.”

“I had no choice. When he turned on the device, I was terrified,” the archaeologist explained in a shaky voice. “He killed his friend right where he was standing. At that moment I knew he'd kill us too, eventually. You didn’t listen to him, Jack, he turned into a goa'uld, his mind, at least. Even if the chances where slim, I had to try to escape. I just had to, for Bill, for me, but above all for you. When they caught me, I thought I was going to die, for good this time, and the thought of never seeing you again…” Daniel’s face crumpled in pain at the idea.

“Jesus, Daniel, after everything you went through, how can you even think about yourself as a wuss? You never were and you never will, because that’s not who you are. You have more strength in you than a fifty men platoon. Do you think you’re a coward because you wet yourself?”

Daniel looked away, ashamed.

Danny, what happened in that hut, and before, in the driveway, was a physical reaction, nothing more than an automatic response of the body” Jack assured him. “It has nothing to do with weakness or cowardice, nothing. Nothing at all.”

Daniel raised his head and looked for signs of disgust on his lover’s face and find none. All he could see was love and something more.

“Daniel, not only I love you for your strength, but I really, really admire that in you. Are you listening to me? I-ad-mi-re-you.” Jack strained every syllable so the message got clear to his lover.

Admiration? Was that that something else he was reading on Jack’s face? That wasn’t possible, was it? The archaeologist’s mouth dropped open. “Do… do you really mean that?”

“You, Dr. Jackson are the bravest man I ever met. A bit reckless sometimes,” Jack teased with a smile, “but brave and strong nonetheless. You survived, saved Bill, and protected the SGC. You are… amazing.” And to make his point clear, and demonstrate his lover how non-disappointed he was, he rewarded him with the sweetest and gentlest kiss ever.

When they broke the kiss, Jack went on stroking Daniel's temple and running his fingers through his strands. “We need to tell Janet about the PTSD and the flashbacks. He might be able to help you. Believe me, I know what I’m talking about.”

Daniel looked at his lover in surprise. “You do? Have you…? No, that’s silly, sorry.”

“Iraq.”

“What?”

“I went through PTSD, Daniel, after Iraq.” The archaeologist looked at his lover open-mouthed stunned. Jack went on caressing his hair while talking. “I woke up every night bathed in sweat, and still refused to see a counselor. I buried my pain and fear into the alcohol and cigarettes.”

“How did you get over it?” Daniel asked softly. He didn’t want to push too hard. He knew Jack didn’t like to talk about his experience in the Iraqi prison. As far as he knew, they had been four months of physical and mental abuse.

“Sara. And Charlie. One night I went to a bar, and when I came back home, they were gone. I realized then how I had screwed up everything. I hadn’t let anyone help me. I was so sure I could get over it for myself. I was special ops, for crying out loud, I couldn’t have PTSD, not me, the macho Jack O’Neill.” He let out a laugh. “I guessed they had gone to her dad’s place, so I went there and I promised them I'd look for help. Sara gave me one last chance, and I took it. I had some appointments with a counselor. You know how I feel about those people, but I have to admit that it helped. So, Daniel, do you think I'm a wuss because I woke up screaming every night? Because I needed some help to get over that?”

Daniel’s eyes widened in shock. “God, Jack, no, of course not, YOU are the bravest man I ever met, I… I… no, I could never, never think that about you!”

“So?” the colonel smiled.

Daniel’s shoulders slumped, and he sighed. “Point taken,” he half-smiled.

“We aren’t superheroes, Daniel. When we are abused, we hurt. And it’s normal to be affected.”

Daniel nodded his understanding.

“I love you so much, Danny.” The colonel looked at him with devotion. “ You're not alone. We'll get through this together. One heart, one soul. Never forget that.”

Daniel embraced Jack with all his passion, an overwhelming feeling of love filling every cell of his body. He knew that with Jack at his side he could beat anything. He was beginning to understand what was happening to him and he didn’t feel ashamed for his reactions anymore. Daniel broke the hug and stared lovingly at Jack while stroking his jawline. He noticed a bruise was starting to form in the area.

“Did I do that?”

Jack shrugged in response.

“God, I’m sorry. You are right, Jack. I do need help. Will you come with me tomorrow, you know, to talk to Janet?”

Jack took his hand and tenderly kissed his palm.

“Of course. And I promise I'll be with you every step of the way.”

“And I promise I won’t push you away anymore.”

They sealed their promises with a long and passionate kiss. That wasn’t going to be easy. More sleepless nights would come until Daniel was fully recovered. But they were together in this. And they knew that eventually, everything was going to be alright.

**The end, for now**

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you all of you who are still bearing with me and taking the time to read and leave kudos. Nothing of this would have any sense without you. Oh, and I promise, if you have the patience, the series will have a closure eventually.


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